An existential crisis, or, Where?

Yes, “Where?” as in “Where did my life go?” or “Where did all my great dreams and plans go?”

Things are fine, things are good, I enjoy my job and having a steady pay cheque and making plans and all that, but I’m listening to my online radio, and Feist comes on, and: she’s really fantastic!! She’s so good at what she does, and gets to spend her time doing precisely that: what she loves. I manage a database, for crying out loud.

How, how did it come to this? I feel like a fecking sell-out. I work for a very liberal, very progressive charity, so at least I agree with their policies and the fact that their faith-based is a daily boon to me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t really sung a note in over a month. A month. And my studies? They’re all but forgotten, though, at least, I have tried to get a supervisor for that damned honours paper to finish my undergrad degree. No takers, no luck, no go. Ugh.

I just feel…unbalanced: not in the sense the phrase is so often used, to imply mental or emotional illness, but like my actions and my plans and my desires are not adding up, not balancing out in the long run, or even the short run, for that matter. And it leaves me feeling very much as though I’ve forgotten to do something, the way I feel when I know I’ve left something home which I will need on a long trip, but there is no way to go back and retrieve it.

I left home without remembering to bring my dreams with me…and now I am haunted.

Also, I have a fruit fly flitting around my cubicle, and it’s really pissing me off.

Let’s lighten up, a bit, with…pivot turns!! My absolute, favourite thing to do when dancing. Here we go:

MHG-pivot1MHG-pivot2MHG-pivot3MHG-pivot4

First: the necessary highcuts immediately preceding pivot turns. Then three photos showing pivot turns with various partners. The male dancer, who can be seen wearing beret, cut-away and waistcoat, in addition to the kilt and diced hose as the female dancers must also wear, was remarkably good. He was tall, thin, well-muscled, and beautifully flexible, with a lovely grace of movement besides. He was very enjoyable to watch, and I hope that he placed well in this competition.

Truth be told, I feel better. The difference a little propelled pivot turn can make!

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1 Comment

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One response to “An existential crisis, or, Where?

  1. But I <>was<> going to comment on this post! I read it and decided to come back to it when I’d thought of the right thing to say… only I’ve been on the move constantly for the last seven days and haven’t had a chance to sit down with the laptop.Life does take us to unexpected places – especially when it turns out that the thing we want to do (the things we are most talented at) won’t turn into a remunerative career. I always wanted to be a writer, and I think it’s something I do well; but before anyone writes their great opus, they have to find a way to pay the bills; and it’s a great leap of faith to give everything to nurturing your talent, knowing that you just might not break through. What I do now is close to what I dreamed of, but it isn’t quite The Thing, and I often feel the way you so aptly describe.I guess something similar has happened to you with singing. I know you have other things on your mind at the moment in terms of planning your future, but I also know that there is plenty of space in that future for you to be accomplished and successful. Good luck finding a supervisor. What’s your thesis on? If it’s literary, drop me an email – in fact, just drop me an email anyway if you’d like to chat.xx

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